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Hey Fatty!

What’s with fat? How did ‘fat’ become a dirty word? Only in the United States of America has this ‘F’ word sidled along in infamy with the other ‘F’ word. And don’t get me revved on the stupidity of assigning words this title of the ‘whatever letter’ word and how that somehow renders its meaning toothless? Letters against Humanity! So ‘f’ing’ dumb. Why is it that in America to call someone ‘fat’ is a hate crime? Try
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Living the Dream

As tourists visit Key West so does stormy weather. Each leaves his own detritus, whether teardrops or raindrops. Eating a sunny morning alive a wind might stir. Dry leaves clatter attracting attention to those paying it. Cats drag indoors, birds quieten. A mass of clouds trap light beams like swords falling to earth, until lusterless. Raindrops clank on cars in elephantine tears. Branches crash-land through antique b
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Junk Food Rat

I live with a rat. Possibly he is a mouse. I’ve never seen him. At night, when he is certain I am secured beneath the bed sheets, I hear him dragging things around and banging into stuff. Perhaps he’s partially blind. Whatever the case, this rodent has shabby eating habits. On the counter in the kitchen are bags of croissants, bags of nuts and fruit but he will only help himself to the Cheetos. He makes one careful s
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Sex With Plants

I was minding my own business bopping along to something at the Hogs Breath Bar deep downtown Key West, when a young man spoke to me. YM: What is your name? CO: Cleopatra YM: Where are you from? CO: Egypt YM: What’s your last name? CO: Patra YM: Can I get you a drink? Don’t tell me you don’t drink. CO: I don’t drink, I don’t high five, I don’t say awesome and I don’t twirl on the dance floor. I’d love some water. He
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New Bands Old Bars

Patrick and The Swayzees were slated for Friday night sound check at The Green Parrot, the best bar in the world. Everyone in town raves about Patrick and the Swayzees, and being as I’m immune to peer pressure I avoided them.  Yes, I judged the band by its dumb nomenclature and the suspiciously ebullient hype. And thus I erred. Am I more human than vampire after all? One day I was introduced to Patrick, the leader of
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Piano Key, Florida

When I was seven I remember being dispatched for a week to the house of an old lady, a friend of my mother’s. In the house was a piano and I took to sitting on the wood bench and tapping at the black and white bars, beguiled by the sounds. The old lady claimed arthritis prevented her from using the thing and I begged her to ship it to my mother’s house. When the piano arrived my mother was not amused. She
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What Is A Douche Bag?

NB: This applies equally to males and females. You know who you are, I hope. So what is a douche bag. Well it’s this week’s freak. This week’s freak show.  All prior plans derailed from the onslaught of one douche bag who flummoxes into view and obscures the light for a time.   A blowhard, who blows hard, and laughs hard and lies big. And you love it. You trip out in your delusional spaceship.   Until the thrill wear
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How To Get Laid Like A Rock Star

If you are a female all you need do is leave the house. You will likely get picked up on your way to the bar. All that nonsense about face paint and trendy clothes is lost on the heterosexual male. Just say, ‘Yes’. It’s that easy. I have the opportunity to speak with a multitude of musicians as I can pose as the press, and amongst the biographical questions I always drop in some research to add to the Large Ani
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Nile Rodgers, Duran Duran & Xperimento

I met Nile Rodgers winter of 1991. I was newly divorced and freshly hooked up with a hot-ass boyfriend with a ponytail and a bass guitar. After seven years of servitude to the husband whom I had adored and labored for, for sure, when I left him it wasn’t my first choice, it was my only choice. I was bereft but resolved. I packed him off to Italy, ostensibly meeting him there; a lie. We wrestled through tearful long d
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